But there was one thing I wanted to get done. Back in the spring when I had gone in for my yearly exam my doctor found that the lining to my uterus was thicker than it should be. I had had some intermittent spotting as well, which he hoped could be attributed to a polyp that had grown in my vaginal wall. The thickening could have been menopausal or it could have been something scarier. So he had me go in for an ultrasound, which confirmed the actual thickness of the lining. I had an appointment to discuss the results and when I got there his staff had already gotten authorization for the next step - removal of the polyp and clipping some tissue samples from my uterine lining for biopsy testing. I wasn't expecting that but went ahead and agreed to get it done. It was painful and uncomfortable. Well, it turned out that the samples he retrieved weren't conclusive, so rather than having me undergo surgery right away he placed me on medication until April to see if the lining has thinned. The reason for this background is that I had decided that I would move to the Bay area with Shawn more permanently so that we could go to counseling together, but I told him I wanted to finish up this process with my current doctor first. I trusted him, he always took the time to explain everything and answer all of my questions, and never made me feel like I needed to hurry up. Shawn didn't like it but he agreed. Then he made the call that tore my world apart, leaving me to deal with the worry and the fear alone.
In the time leading up to the separation I had had a friend suggest that I was being gaslighted - a form of mental abuse that makes the victim question themselves and become less and less confident in who they are. That is the short version. And as I researched it and thought back over the years I realized that many of the signs did indeed match what had been happening to me. I had approached it with Shawn and he had begun to indicate to me that he was willing to at least talk to a counselor about it. Then he left us. Deserted not just me, but our kids. The kids who had looked to him as a father for most of their lives. No contact. He had taken up the practice of calling me to ask about them - not in tones of concern or genuine interest, but sounding more like an interrogator with every call. Not that there were many. He just had too many other more important things in his life. Becoming a rich, successful filmmaker living on his sailboat was more important than saving his marriage or his relationship with his kids.
Then in the weeks leading up to his graduation from film school and the departure of the Sea Bear for Alaska we came to terms with where we were - we acknowledged that we still cared about each other and decided to try to be friends. The night of his graduation was tough - I was not the wife standing proudly by his side, just someone else who showed up that he didn't have time for. And that night I was attacked by our slip neighbor from our time in San Diego - I was asked how I dare choose Bella, the GSD I rescued two years ago, over my husband. I was taken aback and then the anger flared. I asked her to go ask Shawn how he dare tell his wife that he would choose a boat over her, or how he dared to abandon me in the middle of my medical issues with so many unanswered questions to ask alone. She couldn't believe that he would do any of it. But he did. He chose not to give me the time to get my answers before staying with him to get counseling. He chose his desires over my very real fears of cancer. I also told her that I truly believed that that crazy dog was sent to me for a reason. She probably saved my life one night and if she would not have been there I may have sunk deeper than I could save myself from. And again, it was because of Shawn. Then later that night he disclosed an indiscretion that he had committed, and I was understandably more hurt. The next morning when I was still reeling and told him so he told me to get the fuck off of his boat.
So the months have gone by and I have begun to feel happy again with myself. Friends tell me that I look happier than I have in years. People who didn't know me before Shawn's dreams changed tell me that they have never seen me look better. No one that has encouraged him to follow this know how close to ruin he was willing to bring us to achieve this. We were not rich sailboaters, so what was seen as my negativity was actually my realistic view of our finances. When we split up we had less than 10,000 in savings. Who thinks they can retire on that? Who would feel financially secure in their declining years with 10,000? So I was cast as the negative, unsupportive wife and Shawn was encouraged to go find his happiness. I hope that those who encouraged him to make this leap will be there for him if it doesn't work out.
Meanwhile, his words have convinced me that there would never have been any compromise for us. It has always been his way or nothing when it came to the bigger issues in our marriage. My dreams are not part of his equation and never really were. So it's been a bad day for me out of a lot of others that are getting better and better. And I'm going to be ok.
Then in the weeks leading up to his graduation from film school and the departure of the Sea Bear for Alaska we came to terms with where we were - we acknowledged that we still cared about each other and decided to try to be friends. The night of his graduation was tough - I was not the wife standing proudly by his side, just someone else who showed up that he didn't have time for. And that night I was attacked by our slip neighbor from our time in San Diego - I was asked how I dare choose Bella, the GSD I rescued two years ago, over my husband. I was taken aback and then the anger flared. I asked her to go ask Shawn how he dare tell his wife that he would choose a boat over her, or how he dared to abandon me in the middle of my medical issues with so many unanswered questions to ask alone. She couldn't believe that he would do any of it. But he did. He chose not to give me the time to get my answers before staying with him to get counseling. He chose his desires over my very real fears of cancer. I also told her that I truly believed that that crazy dog was sent to me for a reason. She probably saved my life one night and if she would not have been there I may have sunk deeper than I could save myself from. And again, it was because of Shawn. Then later that night he disclosed an indiscretion that he had committed, and I was understandably more hurt. The next morning when I was still reeling and told him so he told me to get the fuck off of his boat.
So the months have gone by and I have begun to feel happy again with myself. Friends tell me that I look happier than I have in years. People who didn't know me before Shawn's dreams changed tell me that they have never seen me look better. No one that has encouraged him to follow this know how close to ruin he was willing to bring us to achieve this. We were not rich sailboaters, so what was seen as my negativity was actually my realistic view of our finances. When we split up we had less than 10,000 in savings. Who thinks they can retire on that? Who would feel financially secure in their declining years with 10,000? So I was cast as the negative, unsupportive wife and Shawn was encouraged to go find his happiness. I hope that those who encouraged him to make this leap will be there for him if it doesn't work out.
Meanwhile, his words have convinced me that there would never have been any compromise for us. It has always been his way or nothing when it came to the bigger issues in our marriage. My dreams are not part of his equation and never really were. So it's been a bad day for me out of a lot of others that are getting better and better. And I'm going to be ok.
