Monday we will move some of our belongings into a new house in Pacific Grove. I am trying to be excited, but I only find myself plagued with unhappiness over the choices I am being forced to make. I know that either way I choose I will never be truly happy again, because either way I am giving up something that I love.
Sometimes people's dreams change. Mine have stayed the same - a home of my own with my own space, where I could decorate as I wanted, putter around as I wanted, with unlimited views. A home where my kids and grandkids might one day gather whenever we wanted, without having to figure out days off, travel times, costs of tickets, etc. But my husband's dreams have changed - he has no wish for our own place, or the space that I long for. He wants to pursue his passions, no matter where that takes him. And, at least for now, he wants me to be a part of it. But as our shared dreams become more and more different I know that the day will come that our love for each other will diminish as we begin to feel more and more the differences between our desires. So do I go along for the ride or do I bow out gracefully while there is still love? I do not want to wait until the day that the sad acknowledgement comes along that it is gone.
Now I start the process of trying to accept having strangers ten feet away from my bedroom window, of not being able to look out my windows and seeing the sunrise or sunset again, of having to get into a car and fight with traffic to get to a place where no one is around and I can wander with my own thoughts while the dogs can finally get off of their leashes and run as they wish. I wish I could find something to be excited about in this move besides being with my husband, but I can't. It takes me away from everything else about my life that I loved. He is all that is left, and I don't feel that I will be able to keep him happy for long since what he wants and what I want have become so different.
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