Well, it's been about a year since Shawn walked away from us. He never has admitted his part in the break up of our marriage but he has admitted to plenty of other things that have opened my eyes. And I have watched him turn into someone who isn't very likable. I have watched him kiss up to people who he thought could be helpful to him in a monetary or visibility sense as he follows his dream. He has asked people for money so that he could achieve his dream, rather than working to achieve it on his own. It embarrasses me and if we were still married in the true sense of the word I would be ashamed. And when it came time to acknowledge those "littler" people in his life I haven't seen a word of thanks.
He told me of kissing one of my best friends, one whom I knew he had developed a crush on, and saying it was my fault because I accused him of having a crush on her. Constant private emails and texts to another man's wife?
When I woke up the next morning, still blown away by this new knowledge, and came into the cabin of the Sea Bear still upset, he told me to "Get the fuck off of his boat". And yet, I still let myself get sucked back in to his words that he still loved me. All those years of saying he was never unfaithful - well I guess he justifies his attempt at doing so as not being unfaithful since he didn't actually get to fuck her - but he would have if he could.
He has put himself deep into debt, cashed out his 401K and accepted over 30,000 dollars for his boat and his dream, but still asks me "Are you going to pay for it?" when I told him that I had hoped that after Alaska he would want to try to make time to work on our marriage. Again, I am made aware that I am not worth his time or the money. And I still love him.
He asked me if I would visit him in Washington, but last May I was told that, except for the house payment, I was on my own. I was told I HAD to get a job. So I did. And now he wants me to take time off to visit him.
Everything has always been on Shawn's terms. What we did as a family, what he bought, the purchase of both boats, and even our marriage. I left him once in CA and he begged me to give him another chance. And fed me another huge lie: that if he could (he knew damn well that he couldn't too) he would sell the boat rather than lose me. So he just waited until he could do that on his terms as well.
And here's the kicker: when I say any of this to him he will turn it around. Tell me that I am making accusations against him. How is the truth an accusation? Tell me that I am being abusive. I did become emotionally abusive, but I also realize that I endured years of emotional abuse at his hands. I can admit that I did - he cannot. He always turns it around in an attempt to make me feel guilty or to shut me up. He tells me that I am bringing up the past - right after he has done so himself. So many double standards. So many lies. So many subtle put downs to make me doubt myself. So many promises made and then withdrawn, while saying he never made them. Telling me I was crazy. Letting everyone think that I was just a nag trying to hold him back.
He told me years ago that I would be second choice after the boat and he has proven it time and time again. It is time I let him go to live with his choice and quit hoping that someday I might have come first.
Happy First Anniversary.
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